RestORE?
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| "Restore. Restore! RESTORE," I would whiningly command God daily, sometimes hourly. |
For years, I have been obsessed with the word RESTORE, convinced (though extra-Biblical experiences) that God had personally promised me that He was in the process of restoring, in this earthly lifetime, many specific things I counted as broken.
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| See Matthew 11: 28-30 |
I am finally learning to stop being so self-absorbed in demanding mORE and more of my own way, by learning to actually trust and REST in Jesus and His best plans.
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In Matthew 11:28-30, after replying affirmatively to John the Baptist's inquiry as to whether He was the Christ or not, then going on to confront various cities for the sin of their unbelief in His authority as God, Jesus said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
This is what I'm finding, that the striving, the expectant demanding of God, the anticipation of my "best life now," my micro-management prayers detailing to God how I want Him to orchestrate life according to my will, are utterly exhausting!
A small part of Proverbs 3 is well-known to many Christians; verses 5 and 6 say:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
While these words are very familiar, unfortunately I am all-too-prone to not obey even this instruction.
My fleshly instinct is to pray in exact opposition to these guidelines, and to live out the reverse of Proverbs 3:7 which says:"Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil."
For reasons I do not deserve nor understand, my reality today is that, in spite of me, God has been overwhelmingly gracious in the blessings He has given our family, the healing and unexpected ways He has provided answers. In the following pictures I will recount several blessings I'm thanking and praising Him for, because I, in no way, wish to minimize what He has done in our family's earthly life. 
First, we thank God for this house, and all the astounding doors He slammed shut (while we pouted at the time) and threw open, in order to put us in this exact location, at this time, with the precise mix of amazing neighbors He has given us!
For 18 months we have been without adequate seating in this house. Recently God provided a new-to-us couch and chair that exactly meet my stroke needs, checkmarking all of our wants in this department, while providing details that are more than we had even asked or imagined. Used, we bought these at 90% discount, but the quality makes these pieces function almost as new. God even provided for free delivery! 
We thank God for a solid church home.
We thank Him for great medical care.
We praise Him for direction and yet-unfolding provision concerning schools for the kids next year.
We thank Him for employment and transportation.
We lift Him up for His goodness and grace in the midst of COVID. We thank Him for physical protection even when the virus hit our home, and for the lessons learned as the five of us worked and schooled and convolessed together 24/7 over this past year!
Words from that old hymn, "count your many blessing, name them one by one," reverberate through my mind and I realize I could write for a week straight and still miss noting so much that God has indeed blessed us with, here on earth!
If I stopped with these examples of how God is supplying our needs in Arizona, according to His riches, I could be leaving you to think we lead a social-media-worthy life that falls far more in line with demanding God's restoration, rather than resting in Him. 
I would be doing you a huge disservice if I did not mention that this 28-year-old house we so love has needed the water heater, an air conditioner (yes, we need two with heat that rises to the 120s), and a large part of the sprinkler system, all replaced within the past month! 
My body continues to provide "fun" challenges like the achilles tendon on my less stroke-impacted right leg that is bulging due to all the heavy impact of my balance issues and (ever-increasing) body weight that it has been carrying to compensate for the much weaker left side, all these years. While my ankle is painful, I have to decide if I should put my focus into expensive, time-consuming, and exhausting therapy, to try to delay or prevent it from rupturing (which seems somewhat inevitable eventually, and will require surgery and weeks without weight-bearing, if it does), or if I need to address hormones first, instead. My strokes initiated a very rare condition called hypoparathyroidism (low function of the 4 rice-sized hormone glands unrelated to the thyroid gland, but located directly next to it). My wonkey body has now chosen to swing into the far more common hyperparathyroidism (too high production of hormones produced by this gland), typically indicating that two or more of these glands have become non-cancerous tumors that zap strength from the skeletal system, thus likely need to be surgically removed.
It is hard to say if this week's broken toe was a regular part of EDS (since I have always broken small bones easily), related to clumsiness when my off balanced foot made contact with solid wood furniture because I was walking more creatively than normal in hopes of keeping weight off a sore ankle, or if this was a bone fragility result of hyperparathyroid. (Maybe all of the above?) It feels like my ankle and neck are in a contest to see who needs surgery first. Instead of telling God how to fix my life, I head back to Proverbs 3. Skipping down to verses 11 and 12 I read:
"My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights."Is it OK to pray for myself, tell God what I want? Absolutely! In fact Jesus did this very thing. I look forward to sharing an entire post on the topic of prayer soon.
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But in the end, my soul find true peace and rest only in mirroring the words of our Savior as He prepared for the cross, asking the Father's best - See Matthew 26:39, Mark 14:36, and Luke 22:42 - all put in context by His prayer for us, recorded as John chapter 17.
While my life may be a mess of blessing and burdens, I choose to rest in God's perfect plan for it all. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but there is so much peace in leaving the unfolding of my future to the LORD!
All Scripture on this post is quoted from the English Standard Version (ESV) as posted at Bible Gateway.
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main social media page - https://www.facebook.com/HarvestingHope
Specialty pages:
infertility / loss page - https://www.facebook.com/HannahsHopeBook
stroke - https://www.facebook.com/StrokieGal
current book project on church deception - https://www.facebook.com/DeceptionUnmasked
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My books:
Read more about infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss, and my first book, Hannah's Hope, at JenniferSaake.blogspot.com/2021/04/hannahs.html
Please enjoy a free pdf version of the introduction, my personal infertility / loss story, and the first chapter of Hannah's Hope (written pre-stroke) at www.hannahshopebook.com/media/HannahHopeChapter1.pd
Read about our current book project I am co-authoring with Carolyn Howell, about deception in the church, at JenniferSaake.blogspot.com/2021/04/DeceptionUnmasked.html
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