39 to 49

 I turned 39 less than 3 months before my strokes. 

This month I'll turn 49.

I wasn't supposed to live. Not alive to the hospital. Not through the first night. Not through the first three days. Not through the first week...

Surviving an entire decade makes no sense, medically speaking.

I am (now) beyond grateful. (Oh boy, was I mad I had survived at first though!)

I've gotten to raise two kids into adulthood and another is starting his second year of high school next month. (My initial worry that I would never get to raise them, was for totally different reasons!)

I did not leave my husband a widower.

I am re-learning many skills and making an impact in lives, because of the strokes, living a platform I didn't want,.

I feel thoughtful today, I can't quite wrap my head around nearly a decade. 

I am very thankful. Overwhelmingly grateful. Happy. Joyful. Awe-filled

Also a little sad. Melancholy. Disoriented. Confused. Bewildered. Many memories of this past decade are exceedingly devastating to revisit.

This is absolutely not the life I had imagined. It is way harder, yet so much better, than my wildest dreams. 

Though our circumstances may differ greatly, I bet you can relate a bit.

What did you expect life to hold?

How have your dreams been fulfilled or disappointed?

What would you change if you could? Why?

What unscripted turns would you never have asked for, but wouldn't trade in hindsight?

Won't you please tell me in the comments? I would love to know how to pray for you!

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge,,, For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me,,, I trust in the LORD. I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul... Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing... But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand... Blessed be the LORD, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me,,, Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!

- excerpts from Psalm 31

All Scripture on this post is quoted from the English Standard Version (ESV) as posted at Bible Gateway.

I would love to meet you through social media:


Specialty pages:
    infertility / loss - fb.com/HannahsHopeBook
    stroke - fb.com/StrokieGal
    current book project on church deception - fb.com/DeceptionUnmasked

Pinterest @InfertilityMom
Instagram @InfertilityMom

My books:

Read more about infertility, miscarriage, adoption loss, and my first book, Hannah's Hope (written pre-stroke), at JenniferSaake.blogspot.com/p/Hannahs.html

 
Please enjoy a free pdf version of the introduction, my personal infertility / loss story, and the first chapter of Hannah's Hope at www.hannahshopebook.com/media/HannahHopeChapter1.pdf

Read about our current book project I am co-authoring with Carolyn Howell, author of Foodborne Dementia, about deception in the church, at JenniferSaake.blogspot.com/2021/04/DeceptionUnmasked.html




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Infertility, Miscarriage, Adoption Loss

Image
Any updates to this post will be found at  JenniferSaake.blogspot.com/p/hannahs.html From 1992-2006, Rick and I prayed for children. We spent more than a decade seriously entrenched in the daily struggles of infertility, demanding costly emotional, medical, and financial investments. We opened our hearts to thirteen children we longed to parent. We grieved ten babies we did not get to raise (miscarriages and adoption losses). We've experienced the indescribable joy of parenting three living miracles. Since 1996, I've participated in a variety of online forums and platforms, first using pseudonyms related to  Hannah , then  over the past two decades, as  @InfertilityMom . I  founded  Hannah's Prayer Ministries  in 1994 , and authored   Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss  in 2005. Please  enjoy  a free pdf version of the book introduction, my personal infertility / loss story, and the first chapter of  Hannah
Read more

Mom of 3 has 6 Strokes in Her 30s

Image
  What happened? I've given you the back story and the (long) update 10 years later . Now for the event itself. I ended my back story with, " Since 2-3 day migraines were part of my world as often as every few weeks, with the occasional 10+ day migraine a few times per year (my record had been over 30 day when hormones were adjusting after my daughter's birth), I let the headache and accompanying symptoms keep me down in bed for about a week before getting proactive and heading to my doctor for pain shots, then on to the ER again (at my doctor's insistence) for something even stronger. After trying all they knew to do, ER sent me home without relief on the evening of October 24, 2011.  My decision the next morning impacts my life and the lives of all who love me, to this day." So what was my decision? I did what is commonly done with headaches, one of the specific things their services are advertised to help. I went to a chiropractor. Yes, I had used chiropractic
Read more

Memory Challenge

Image
I have wanted to write a blog post about this topic for several months, but have struggled and prayed, not wanting to sound presumptuous or self-aggrandizing. Honestly, I'm still not sure that my motives are as pure as they should be, but this message is burning too intensely within my heart to continue to remain silent any longer. There may well come a day, in our lifetimes, that physical Bibles are taken away.  But we cannot be rent from the Word carried within our hearts! I could neither read nor easily be read to after my strokes, having been struck legally blind and profoundly hearing impaired in an instant.  The reality of being without access to the life-giving Word of God is exceedingly personal to me. I had no access to Scripture beyond the handful of AWANAs, Sunday School, and homeschool Bible verses I had memorized. I am SO very thankful that he kids and I had spent the past school year memorizing James, chapter one together. Though I did not know it as well as I should
Read more